Abyssinnian

after months of deliberation..... i said it..... it was meant to be a surprise, every time i wanted to, it was meant to be a surprise.... but i couldnt bring myself to do it.... everytime.... until two nights ago.... or, well... early christmas morning....

i've always though i could never say it again.... these 3 little words.... so simple, yet so hard...

he said that he would wait... i'm always pepperred with 'i love you's from him.... i've always wanted to say it back... but it always stops at the throat... no, he's too young, i cant possibly destroy his future, he deserves someone better, he'll do the same thing to me like the rest of them.... its always a lie.... they will all leave me eventually.....

but months of deliberation, unreasonable tantrums.... i've decided.... the heck with it.... i've gotta do it...

it took me week after that to work it into our conversation.... but it simply refuses to come up... so i made up my mind, christmas day... when he comes over to stay.... i'll tell him.... i will, its a promise....

so he came over, my hero, my raven.... i had just gotten back from an awkward christmas eve party, bff had dropped by to have a few drinks with me and to borrow my room for a booty call.... lolz.... monkey....

so anyways, when raven came over i had to drag him out for a couple of hours.... why do i spoil this woman, i'll never understand it myself.... hehehe....

so we went out and talked about nothing in particular.... the stroke of midnight came along when we were hanging out on one of the staircases in the area.... he whispered merry christmas in my ear and kissed my temple.... and enveloped me in his arms..... it felt good.... 'i love you' he said....

*sigh* thats it.... i've gotta do something about it....

after bff left, we cleared up wutever we could and went to bed, after taking a shower together... we made love that night... slow and sweet.... and i said it...

into his ear... i whispered to him.... sayang, i'll only say this once... please listen carefully.... i love you....

he paused, my heart sank.... oh no, he's just gonna run now... but its ok.... it was my choice to finally say it... perhaps i was too late... but its ok...

when he spoke, i could hear a tremble and tears in his voice.... are you sure? do you really mean it? you're not lying arent you?

yes, yes and no, i'm not lying....

he then hugged me, so hard i almost couldnt breathe...

oh god, i've waited and waited... so long... i love you... thank you, sayang.... that was all he said....

but why only once? please say it again..... i had refused, but he understood.... the sweet child.... i really dun deserve him....


Rent - Jane Cooper

If you want my apartment, sleep in it
but let's have a clear understanding:
the books are still free agents.

If the rocking chair's arms surround you
they can also let you go,
they can shape the air like a body.

I don't want your rent, I want
a radiance of attention
like the candle's flame when we eat,

I mean a kind of awe
attending the spaces between us---
Not a roof but a field of stars.

What is reality?

Reality is focusing yourself entirely on some everyday task so you can’t remember how much you wish you weren’t awake.

Reality is emptiness, each day no different from the last.

Reality is forcing yourself so far that you forget you’re still human, because you don’t feel human anymore.

Reality is forgetting to say things and regretting it later.

Reality is making wishes that can no longer come true.

Reality is waiting for something that’s not yours anymore, because you didn’t hold on tightly enough when it was.

Reality is a faded “I love you” keeping you alive.

i've never asked if you loved me
but its always yes, yes and yes...
should i ask it of you someday
you'd say, 'baby, why ask when you know the answer? its yes, yes and yes...'

Father in heaven,

thank you, for sending him to me.... thank you, for the happiness he brings along with him...
forgive me, for i'm afraid of opening my heart...
forgive me, for i think i'm destroying his heart...
forgive me, for being so selfish...

head hurts... hate hurts... head hurts... hate hurts...

lolz... i am now dealing with one thing that i absolutely dislike to do... cold calling... which leads to my current blooming headache... *sigh*

well, back to work... as much as i dun want to... (somebody kill me please.....)